DIVORCE HURTS. Kids In The Middle HELPS.®

Expected Age Level Reactions for
Children of Divorce

When children experience divorce, they go through a wide range of thoughts, feelings, behaviors and needs, determined, in part, by their age at the time of the event. As children mature, their feelings about the divorce change with them.

At Kids In The Middle®, we allow children to meet with and talk to other children of the same age, so they can share common experiences and feelings, and work through them together.

To see what your child may experience at different stages of divorce, click to expand the links below:

• Is your child in preschool?
• Behaviors

• Regression to former behaviors, bedwetting, clinging, crying, whining, tantrums, aggression, biting, hitting, yelling are common.

• Thoughts/Feelings

• Intense occasional sadness/ crying, anger, and low frustration tolerance. Children at this age may develop a fear of abandonment, needing to be close, separation anxiety.

• Parenting Needs

• Reassurance of being loved, consistency, warmth and understanding are key. Parents should maintain firm limits on misbehaviors with appropriate consequences (i.e. brief time outs of 3-5 minutes).

• Is your child 5-7 years old?
• Behaviors

• Tantrums, crying, bed-wetting, attempts to get parents back together are common.

• Thoughts/Feelings

• Children at this age often worry, feel "I'm to blame", and throw temper tantrums.

• Parenting Needs

• Parents should set clear limits with consequences. Offer age-appropriate explanations, consistent contact with both parents, consistent schedule and routine. Children need reassurance that they are loved.

• Is your child 8-12 years old?
• Behaviors

• Rejection of one parent, apathy, acting out, fighting, defiant, oppositional, somatic complaints, or perfectionism are common.

• Thoughts/Feelings

• Children often experience shame, blame, insecurity and sadness. They wonder about "Who's fault is the divorce?" They feel powerless and sometimes are in denial ("It's no big deal.")

• Parenting Needs

• Parents should encourage children to talk and share their feelings and thoughts, teach and model anger management, validate their children's feelings of grief. Parents should be flexible in permitting childrent to talk to and see the other parent.

• Is your child 13-18 years old?
• Behaviors

• Defiance, incorrigibilty, argumentativeness, controlling behaviors, and withdrawal are common. Children at this age may reject one or both parents and may be at increased risk for drug and/or alcohol abuse and promiscuity.

• Thoughts/Feelings

• Children are often sad, confused, angry, resentful and apathetic.

• Parenting Needs

• Parents are encouraged to be flexible in establishing the visitation schedule. They should collaborate with adolescents in addressing the teen's needs and wants.

• Is your child an adult?
• Behaviors

• Fear of commitment, distrust of opposite sex, fear of success, apprehension about marriage are common.

• Thoughts/Feelings

• There are frequently unresolved identity issues and symptoms of mild depression.

• Parenting Needs

• Both parents need to stay closely connected with adult children. Parents should not use adult children as confidants to put down the other parent. Validate your adult child's struggles and monitor their functioning. Both parents need to stay closely connected with adult child. Provide a warm environment for young adult to visit that feels like a safe and comfortable home.

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