DIVORCE HURTS. Kids In The Middle HELPS.®

TIPS FOR
PARENTS AND GRANDPARENTS

For parents involved in divorce, it can be difficult to figure out what to do with respect to your children, your spouse and your family as a whole. We would like to provide you with some general infomation about how to make the transition more manageable for you and your children.

Scroll down the page or click on the links to read specific tips:

Cooperative Parenting

Do's and Don'ts

Back to School Tips

Vacations and Transitions

Holiday Tips

Four Suggestions

Parents' Needs

Counseling for Parents

Children's Reactions to Divorce

What Kids Need (and what they don't)

Self Assessment

Parents Advisory Council

Tips for Cooperative Parenting

When parents are struggling with separation and divorce, it is often difficult to keep the child's interests in mind. Our tips for Cooperative Parenting give parents (and grandparents) some pointers for making the transition less painful for their children and more successful for themselves. Adhering to these parenting skills can make the long-term relationship more successful, as well.

Do's and Don'ts for Parents

Our Do's and Don'ts for Parents are a helpful guide for parents and grandparents who are struggling to work through a separation or divorce while protecting their child's interests. It can be a difficult process, but committing to implementing these tips in daily life will help.

Back To School Tips

Co-Parenting can be hard to do, especially during separation and in the early years of divorce. Knowing that your role is to keep what's best for your children first and foremost might help you and the other parent develop a good co-parenting relationship. This is especially important when your children are going back to school. Below are some things to keep in mind when school starts (and throughout the year).

Change Is.....

Change can be good, bad and everything in between. Change creates stress - even good changes. Going back to school, or starting school for pre-schoolers, kindergarteners or 1st graders can be exciting, fun, scary, worrisome - or all of the above. All the changes involved in coordinating school schedules, buying school supplies and clothing, setting up car pools, after school activities, etc. can be stressful for any parent and more so for separated and divorced parents.

Recognize all the changes you and your family are going through. Talk about it in advance. Plan, plan, plan.

Consulting vs. Dictator or Helicopter Parenting

Do you recognize yourself in these parenting styles?

Dictator Parenting aka the Drill Sergeant: This parent is "in charge" and often "tells and yells". The Dictator Parent says things like, "Do this." "Do it now." "Do it THIS way." "Why haven't you done that already?" Dictator Parenting is unlikely to achieve the results that the parent is going for. It may actually cause children to do the opposite, feel oppressed and be fearful of the parent. It certainly doesn't help the co-parenting relationship.

Helicopter Parenting: The Helicopter Parent hovers and helps - often too much. Instead of allowing children to do things for themselves and make their own decisions (within reason, of course), the Helicopter Parent tries to be helpful by doing everything, involving him or herself too much at school (yes, there is such a thing as too much) or bombarding kids with questions as soon as the kids walk in the door. Helping is different than hovering. Helping is different than controlling. Helicopter helping can be intrusive, can hold kids back developmentally and keeps kids "tied to the apron strings." Again, the Helicopter Parenting approach does not help the co-parenting relationship.

Consulting Parenting: The Consulting Parent listens first, asks helpful, open-ended questions, works WITH children so that the children are empowered and can build positive decision making skills. The Consulting Parent conversation might go something like this:

"Your first day at school is coming up. Let's talk about what will help you get ready. What are you thinking about? [Note: child talks, parent listens.] So, you are concerned about............ [fill in the blank]. Is that right? [If that isn't right, listen again and clarify again.] How can I help? [or] Let's see if we can come up with some ideas about how to approach this."

The Consulting Parenting approach also fosters a good co-parenting relationship.

Consistency and Consequences

You've heard this before but it bears repeating. Children want and need consistency and boundaries (even if they tell you they don't.) While it may be too much to ask that both parents have the same routines and consequences in each household, it is best for the children if you can get make these things as similar as possible. The more you can agree on the better it will be for your children. This applies to things such as bedtimes and bedtime rituals, meals and snacking, homework, curfew for teens, what to wear to school..... and consequences for things undone.

Note: We don't use the word "punishment". Consequences are proactive and helpful and teach children the connection between their actions and results. Consequences can be things like timeouts for young children when they throw a temper tantrum; no TV that night if homework isn't done. You may be doing these things already but calling them punishments. Reframing your words and your thinking from punishments to consequences is a helpful and meaningful approach.

Communicating With Schools, Kids and Each Other

Schools:

Make sure that your school's counselor, social worker and teachers know of any changes in your family, especially if you separated or divorced over the summer break.

Both parents should receive all materials from the school including calendars, notices, updates, etc. Do not rely on the other parent to set this up for you. Do not rely on your child to bring everything home to both parents. Do not rely on the school to do this automatically. Call, e-mail, send a letter with your contact information and make sure you are getting everything.

Teachers sometimes have special projects about families, family trees, what I did this summer.... These projects can be troublesome for kids in "non-traditional families" such as children who are adopted, in foster care, lost a family member who died, have gay and lesbian parents. These projects can also be troublesome for children of divorce. They now have two homes and two families for whom they are the connection. Talk to your child's teacher about this. Make sure he or she is sensitive to family structure, two households, and the typical changes for divorced families so that the project can be presented in a way that makes it a positive experience for your child.

Kids:

As mentioned above, try to be a Consulting Parent. This doesn't mean you should be a "pushover parent" or let your children rule the roost.

Communication is key with kids in the middle of the family divorce. They need to be informed of changes. They need to know what is happening, when it is happening, where it is happening. Moving back and forth between two households and keeping track of homework, school books, clothing, after school activities, play dates is hard. Communication with children (listening, then talking) will help their school experience.

Each Other:

Listen, listen some more and then listen some more. Confirm that you understand what the other parent is saying and his or her point of view.

Don't argue in front of the children or within earshot. And please don't ever have a heated conversation with the other parent at school, at school events, in the parking lot.

As mentioned above, try to work out issues ahead of time. Plan ahead. Who is going to pick up the children? Who is going to drop them off? What is your emergency plan if one of you is sick or out of town or a business meeting runs late? Who is going to pay for school supplies? Extra-curricular activities? And above all....don't talk about money with or in front of your children. That is an adult issue and not something they need to be burdened with.

If you can't speak in person try the telephone. Don't bring up past issues. Don't play the blame game. If you get angry, get off the phone politely and try the discussion again later. If your relationship is still in the stage that you cannot talk at all, try e-mail. Stick to child related details and arrangements (rather than old issues or grievances). Don't fight via e-mail. It never helps and often creates new problems.

Last but not least....dont use your child as a messenger. If you don't get the information you need, contact the other parent or the school.

Calendar

A family calendar is a good option for keeping everyone informed. Using a web-based calendar is a great idea and can be accessed by everyone in the family. If you type "family calendars for divorced parents" into your search engine, you will see many options that might help. Below is just a sample of the websites you can look into. Please note: Kids In The Middle is not recommending any of these products. We are providing the links for informational purposes only.

Our Family Wizard - An annual fee is charged for this

Cozi - This is a free online organizer

Vacations and Transitions

Vacations are special times to share with our children.  Here are some helpful tips for divorced parents to make the experience a good one for their children and for themselves. These are also good tips for the weekly or weekend transitions to the other parent's home that occur during the year.

Before:

Include children in the planning if possible.  Tell them about the visit in advance and about what they will be doing.  This will increase predictability and reduce anxiety.

For young children, send along a comforting object such as a favorite pillow, blanket or stuffed doll.

If you are the parent who will be alone, reassure your child that you will be okay. It helps to tell children that Mom or Dad has important things to do while they are gone, and though they will be missed, it’s okay and good for them to have a great time with the other parent.

During

Invite your child to talk about how he or she feels about missing or not being with the other parent. Or listen for those unexpected times when children share their feelings such as while riding in the car or before bedtime.

Allow children the opportunity to call the other parent. Decide in advance on pre-arranged times or decide that the children can call whenever they feel the need.

If you are the parent who will be alone, make plans to be with supportive adult friends and family. This is a great time to take a break and do the things that you might not have time to do when your children are home. Plan, plan, plan.  It counteracts the loneliness and worry.

After

When your children return from their time away, let them talk about what they did but don’t pry (or spy).  It’s a temptation that many parents face…”so what did you do, who went with you, where did you go, who bought that????”

Sometimes, children feel guilty about having a good time with the other parent.  You can avoid that by show your children that you are happy and excited for them.

Holiday Tips for Divorced Parents and Their Kids "In The Middle"

The holidays are here and everyone is supposed to be happy. Well, it doesn't always work that way, even in the most harmonious families. For families going through separation and divorce, it is especially hard to cope with the added emotional stress, the transitions in living situations and the new financial strains.  For parents who haven't yet  worked through the hurt and anger, or who haven't  settled into a comfortable co-parenting system, the way they handle the holidays can be a minefield for themselves, their children and the extended family.
The old family traditions are gone and new ones haven't been established. Children get caught in the middle of the "two family / two celebrations dilemna". Who do they spend Thanksgiving or Christmas> with? How many gifts do they get for Hanukkah? How do they handle the excitement of going on a great trip with one parent while at the same time feeling lonely and sad that they are not with the other parent?

Here are some things for parents (and grandparents) to keep in mind to> make this and each holiday less stressful for themselves and their children.

1) Avoid Outdoing Each Other:  If communication and positive co-parenting is possible, talk together about gift giving.  Make a list together and divide it up.n Don't make the mistake of giving grander gifts than usual to make your children happy or to prove how much you love them.  "More and Better" is not always best.

2) Plan In Advance: If you are the parent who will be without the kids, it can be lonely, especially if this is your first year alone.  Make plans with friends and family members to do something fun and relaxing. Pre-arrange with the other parent when and how you will communicate with the kids while they are away.

3) Tradition: Combine The Old With The New:
Your children will be very aware that this holiday doesn't feel like holidays past.  If there are traditions that can be maintained in each household, that will be comforting to them, keep doing them if possible. For instance, if trees and menorahs or Kwanzaa candles have been an annual tradition, considering continuing this in each household.  Or, if the kids are used to baking holiday cookies with mom but they are with dad, perhaps, dad can learn how to do it too.

4) Allow Kids To Be Kids: Don't expect too much or too little from your children.  Let them be themselves and enjoy the holidays and the time they spend with you. Allow them the freedom to talk about the great time they had with the other parent. Similarly, allow them the freedom to talk about how much they miss the other parent when they are with you. This will prevent your children from feeling guilty or like they are betraying you.

5) Seek Help: Families don't have to go it alone.  The periods just before, during and after the holiday season are tough.  If you or your children are experiencing a great deal of stress, sadness, anxiety or behavior changes like unusual mood swings, trouble sleeping or sleeping to much, for example, or if younger children seem to have more stomach aches; seek help from a qualified therapist who understands the special impact of separation and divorce on parents and children.

Four Suggestions for a Healthy Future

Click here to read the newly published chapter, "Kids In The Middle of Divorce: Four Suggestions for a Healthy Future" written by Judy Berkowitz and John Borders. Published in Good Things to Do: Expert Suggestions for Fostering Goodness in Kids. Edited by David Streight, © 2009 by the Council for Spiritual and Ethical Education. The entire book can be ordered by contacting the CSEE at www.csee.org (Chapter reprinted here with permission of the editor. )

Parents' Needs

Family transitions are difficult for everyone involved. Click here to see a list of what parent's need to help them adjust to separation, divorce and post-divorce life.

Individual Counseling for Parents

Kids In The Middle® offers parents an opportunity to receive short-term individual counseling as they experience separation and divorce. These counseling sessions are often helpful when dealing with issues like manging conflicts between the children and the other parents, grieving the marriage, dealing with anger and understanding the role of a single parent.

Children's Reactions to Divorce

Children experience different reactions to divorce at different age levels. Behaviors, thoughts and feelings and parenting needs change throughout childhood, adolescence and adulthood. Our list of reactions to expect will give parents and grandparents an understanding of what their children are feeling and how best to respond to those feelings.

What Children Need (and what they don't)

Click here for a list of "Kids Rights" which explains what they need (what helps) and what they don't need (what hurts).

Self Assessment for Parents

We prepared this Self-Assessment for parents at a recent seminar and had such a positive response to it, we wanted to provide to all visitors to our website. Feel free to take it yourself or send it to someone you know who is going through a divorce or separation. If you or someone you know takes the self-assessment and feels they need to find additional support for their family, please contact the Clincial Coordinator at Kids In The Middle at (314) 909-9922.

Kids In The Middle Parents Advisory Council

Current and former parents of our young clients are invited to participate in our Kids In The Middle® Parents Advisory Council (KIMPAC). KIMPAC is designed to give parents the opportunity to provide feedback on the programs and services we offer and to get involved with the organization in a variety of capacities. Click on the link above for more information.

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